Drinking the Koolaid

For a good portion of my life, I harbored this notion that I was unworthy of things; success, love, comfort, happiness, you name it. If it was good, it wasn't mine. I know, in retrospect it does seem pretty silly. What can I say? It was a seed planted by someone else into some pretty fertile soil. The soil's always pretty fertile when we're young.

And so this lie grew as I grew - and it was ravenous. I felt compelled to keep choosing situations and people who fed this notion, because it seemed such a faithful friend. It stuck with me - hammering the "truth" home - while I set everything else in my life up for failure from the start. I had to. I wasn't worthy of anything better, or so that's what the people and situations that I chose for myself indicated.

When we've made a decision about something, we don't have to look far for confirmation that we're right. And we really, really need to be right, don't we?

When we accept the idea that the world sucks, all kinds of calamities will appear before us to prove us right. When we think that people are just mean, selfish, narcissistic boneheads whose sole purpose is to make our lives miserable, guess what? Hordes of folks will line up just to hand us our butts on platters. All we'll see and experience are things that confirm our decision's validity. Then we can walk around with this ever-growing chip on our shoulders with our chests puffed out and say, "See? I told you so!" to everyone else.

Won't that win us some glowing accolades? Yes, sadly enough, oftentimes it will - from others who feel they need proof of the same. Misery loves, and breeds, company.

What would happen if, all of a sudden, we decided that we didn't want to be miserable anymore? What if we started smiling and speaking in a new, upbeat voice? Well, our facial muscles would not be accustomed to the change, so we'd probably start out looking like Wednesday in the film Addams Family Values. I know, pretty creepy stuff. And that following we have? You know, the family, friends and admirers who have set up camp under our clouds of gloom? Well, they'll start to get uncomfortable. And then they'll start to get mad. We've disrupted their own brand of self-torture. Suddenly, we'll become the fodder for their anger. We've turned on them and become happy, and they can't have that! We will have to pay. So our former allies will likely walk around with their growing chips, chests jutting out, and toss lots of darts at us for the benefit of their own followers.

Yeah, going positive can get pretty lonely at first. That comfortable cesspool of nasties that seemed so faithful will suddenly get the heck outta Dodge, and leave ruins in their wake.

However, as Elizabeth Gilbert has pointed out, "Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation." Indeed, I've found this to be the case.  As I slid my weary psyche into this new, much more positive outlook, things began to change for me. And so did the people around me. Some of them stuck around and changed as well. Some of them stuck around, but only on the periphery; casting wary sidelong glances my way. Many of them went away entirely, either voluntarily or by request, but an amazing thing happened when they did.

Others moved in to fill the void. People with much to teach me, and much to learn alongside me, began to reveal themselves in my vision. Not right away, mind you, but gradually...gently.  They reflect back to me what I long to see in myself - what I have begun to see in myself. And it is good.

I'd like to say that it's all been smooth sailing since; that I have never been tempted to reach for that cup of Koolaid.  Alas, old habits have a tendency to squint into the sunshine and beckon us back into the shadows.  I can, however, confirm that I've become so much better at spotting them when they do, and then choosing better.

I like this path much better than the old one. It's warmer, brighter and has greater benefits. And the people - they give infinitely warmer hugs.

Gratitude <3

In Gratitude...

As I sip the morning elixir - I chose fresh-ground Italian Roast for this morning's brew...my favorite - I've a quiet moment to reflect on the significance of this day. Well, every day, really. I've been a mother for 29 years, and the idea that these two fine men decided to choose me as their mom still amazes me and fills my heart with gratitude.

It's been quite a romp. From the moment I held Doug in my arms,looked into that sweet little, pissed-off face and murmured, "I hope you know what you're doing, baby...because I'm not so sure that I do," to holding Dylan's little hand as he skipped along beside me and filled me in on the daily meanderings of his 5-year-old mind, to the privilege I have of gazing into both of their beautiful, now-masculine faces, I can honestly say what a blessing it's all been. A crazy, overwhelming, deeply astonishing, absolutely frightening, heart-melting, love-filled romp...and I wouldn't have missed it for the world.

I love you, my babies. Thank you so very, very much for showing up. ♥

Happy Mother's Day, everyone.

Let's Get this Party Started...

A recent encounter with a very active member of the entertainment industry has inspired me to take my work, and life for that matter, to a whole new level.  Have you ever had a chance meeting with someone whose quirks rub up so nicely alongside yours that something within you begins to glow?  Or is that just me?  It's not necessarily a sexual thing - although that's often how these things start with me - but it's a quietly powerful impulse to become more...something.  More productive.  More inspired.  Just more me, somehow.  Hard to say what it is, really.  There's just something about these individuals that activates the hamster wheel in my head and ideas begin to flow.  (I love it when this happens.)

It's amazing how Spirit works.  It's come to me with increasing clarity that Divine Order exists in all things, and this is no exception.  I felt listless the other night and decided to spurn my work in favor of a rare night on the couch watching films.  I scanned the options on Netflix, landed on a couple that didn't quite make the cut, and then found a film with an Amish storyline that appealed to me. A nice interlude with simplicity felt like just the ticket, so I settled in.  I enjoyed the film, and became intrigued with one of the male lead actors.  It wasn't an attraction so much as it was the recognition of something exceptional.  Anything that intrigues me sends me straight into research mode, and so off I went.  I'm so very glad I did.

The gentleman I mention is Bill Oberst Jr., and he approaches his work with an intensity of passion that rattles me to the point that I stand in awe.  And gratitude.  I looked the other way for a moment, and he just eased right into my experience, made himself comfortable, and activated a bevy of synapse sparks in me noggin.  I feel like making him dinner.  Or at least writing him a sonnet.  One thing is certain; he has become the inspiration of my new fiction book.  And very likely a non-fiction article or two.

What Mr. Oberst has made glaringly clear to me - without even attempting to - is that in order to actualize my fullest potential, I have to genuinely step up.  You know...to participate.  I think I just heard an audible "duh" coming from the back of the room.  Yep.  Sometimes I slide into these realizations from the side.  In other words, I tend to take the long way home.  I do hope you can find it within yourself to cut me some slack; however, because it has truly been a long, strange trip to here.

Just a brief, pleasant conversation with Bill the other night via Facebook performed CPR on that fire inside me that's been choking for air all this time.  From the example his life provides, I realized that, with all my passion and good intention, I've been merely toying with my craft; dipping a toe in on occasion, liking what it produced, but not quite committing to getting completely naked and soaked to the bone.

Comfort zones - disguised as cowardice, low self-esteem, fear, lethargy, or any other excuse for not really stepping up in life and grabbing it with both hands - are a real bitch to break free from.

I think I just got shoved into the deep end of the pool, naked, and I don't mind a bit.